Since I know you are all anxious to visit the great state of Ohio in the coming new year, I thought I would give you a virtual tour of the many towns and cities that the Buckeye State has to offer.
First up, my personal favorites – the Ohio towns named after other famous cities – but which Ohioans are incapable of pronouncing correctly. I give you:
Lima (pronounced like the bean)
Versailles (pronounced Verr-Sails)
Medina (rhymes with Vagina)
Cairo (pronounced like the syrup – Kay-Roh)
Milan (pronounced Mye-lin)
Gallipolis (oh geesh – pronounced “Gallop-police” – I shit you not!)
Rio Grande (Home of Bob Evans – pronounced Rye-Oh Grand)
Lancaster (pronounced Lang-Caster)
Next, our salute to the founding fathers and famous presidents. You can visit
Hamilton – my favorite piece of trivia about Hamilton? – During World War II, the entire city was declared off-limits to military personnel because of its numerous gambling and prostitution establishments. Heh.
Then there is our tribute to the Mediterranean past and present:
Athens (known for Ohio University and its kick-ass Halloween parties)
Macedonia (which narrowly lost out to Scranton, PA as the background for the NBC hit show “The Office”)
How about Ohio towns named after other famous people? There’s:
South Euclid (although North Euclid is in California – go figure)
and last, but not least –
Ohioans seem to have a real affinity for the UK. We have towns named
Trenton according to Wikipedia: Trenton has many gossipers who like to talk and lie to everyone. If you like this or just living in a small, 3 square mile town, and living around the above described people, TRENTON, OHIO 45067 is the place for YOU. Heh.
Lancaster – birthplace of William Tecumseh Sherman (Take THAT Atlanta!)
Portsmouth - birthplace of Roy Rogers
Lyndhurst - which, according to Wikipedia, has no famous residents
Then there are the towns that have aspirations of being presidential residences:
We also have our share of “New” towns…
Here in Ohio, it seems we also tip our hat to the Middle East with towns like
Cairo – mentioned above in mis-pronounced nation-states
and, of course, what Middle Eastern tribute would be complete without a…
We like Italy too. We have:
Ravenna - actually named for the city of Ravenna, Italy – and actually pronounced correctly!
Then, because we are insecure in our identity as a state, there are the famous names we stole from other states and cities in the U.S.
Wyoming - home of nothing and birthplace of nobody
Lodi – home of the Outlet Stores!
Stow - no, there is no skiing there. It is flat as my kindergarten girlfriend. And she was 19.
Can’t leave out Spain! There are:
and of course…
Delusions of Grandeur continue with these rip-offs from other international locales:
Geneva-on-the-Lake (yes that is the official name of the town).
It seems Ohio also had a lot of groves at one time (now its all cornfields):
Cherry Grove – known for its cherry trees – imagine that
Pleasant Grove - exactly in the middle of Nowwhere(TM)
We have towns named after indian tribes…
And we have towns named after indian words that nobody can pronounce anyway, like
Indian Hill heh – I just threw that one in to see if you were still awake
Pymatuning - OK this is really a state park, but I think the name is funny. Go ahead, say it out loud…See?
We have place that sound like they would be really fun to visit, like
Maybe there’s a reason those are all now ghost towns…
Then we have some creatively named and/or otherwise remarkable towns…
There’s Oak Harbor which isn’t a harbor town, but a riverfront town.
There’s Shaker Heights which was settled by – you guessed it – Shakers. But since they didn’t believe in screwing each other they died off and it is now mostly populated by bankers and lawyers.
Hicksville self explanatory
Buckeye Lake which has no buckeye trees and isn’t really a lake. It’s more of a mudhole. Average depth is like 7 feet.
Reminderville in case you forgot
Reynoldsburg known as “The Birthplace of the Tomato” and the Tomato Festival is held there every September. Every year there is a Tomato Festival Queen!
Upper Arlington my hometown for 30-some years, although nobody in all that time has been able to tell me why there is an Upper Arlington, when there is no Lower Arlington. Pretentiousness says I.
Plain City is everything that the name implies, trust me.
Westerville - which is a town located NORTH and EAST of downtown Columbus. Go figure.
So there you go. Plenty to do and see in Uh-Ha-Yuh. If I didn’t insult your hometown, leave me a comment and I’ll be sure to add it to the list or find something to make fun of…