Since I know you are all anxious to visit the great state of Ohio in the coming new year, I thought I would give you a virtual tour of the many towns and cities that the Buckeye State has to offer.
First up, my personal favorites – the Ohio towns named after other famous cities – but which Ohioans are incapable of pronouncing correctly. I give you:
Lima (pronounced like the bean)
Versailles (pronounced Verr-Sails)
Medina (rhymes with Vagina)
Cairo (pronounced like the syrup – Kay-Roh)
Milan (pronounced Mye-lin)
Gallipolis (oh geesh – pronounced “Gallop-police” – I shit you not!)
Rio Grande (Home of Bob Evans – pronounced Rye-Oh Grand)
and
Lancaster (pronounced Lang-Caster)
Next, our salute to the founding fathers and famous presidents. You can visit
Mason – home to Kings Island amusement park
Hamilton – my favorite piece of trivia about Hamilton? – During World War II, the entire city was declared off-limits to military personnel because of its numerous gambling and prostitution establishments. Heh.
Garfield Heights where John Hinckley, Jr. tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981
and
Then there is our tribute to the Mediterranean past and present:
Delphos - birthplace of Zane Grey
Athens (known for Ohio University and its kick-ass Halloween parties)
Macedonia (which narrowly lost out to Scranton, PA as the background for the NBC hit show “The Office”)
and
How about Ohio towns named after other famous people? There’s:
Cincinnati (named after Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus)
Columbus (named, of course, for Christopher)
Solon made famous by Drew Carey
South Euclid (although North Euclid is in California – go figure)
and last, but not least –
Ohioans seem to have a real affinity for the UK. We have towns named
Trenton according to Wikipedia: Trenton has many gossipers who like to talk and lie to everyone. If you like this or just living in a small, 3 square mile town, and living around the above described people, TRENTON, OHIO 45067 is the place for YOU. Heh.
Dublin - which actually has a decent St. Paddy’s day festival
Oxford – home of the real Miami University
Kent – home to Kent State – made infamous by Jim Rhodes and CSNY
Lancaster – birthplace of William Tecumseh Sherman (Take THAT Atlanta!)
Dover – birthplace of “Bloody Bill” Quantrill - man we have some badasses, huh?
Portsmouth - birthplace of Roy Rogers
and
Lyndhurst - which, according to Wikipedia, has no famous residents
Then there are the towns that have aspirations of being presidential residences:
Montpelier - they are a member of the Northwest Ohio Athletic League. Wow.
and
We also have our share of “New” towns…
New Albany - home of Les Wexner, billionaire owner of The Limited Brands
New Bremen home to the Bicycle Museum of America
New Carlisle where on June 10, 1933, the infamous John Dillinger committed his first bank robbery
and
New Concord birthplace of fellow Devil Dog and former astronaut John Glenn
Here in Ohio, it seems we also tip our hat to the Middle East with towns like
Cairo – mentioned above in mis-pronounced nation-states
East Palestine - formerly called Mechanicsburg, until another Ohio megalopolis wanted that name, so they flipped a coin and lost. True story.
Lebanon - home of The Golden Lamb, Ohio’s oldest inn – established in 1803 – visited by 12 presidents!!!
and, of course, what Middle Eastern tribute would be complete without a…
We like Italy too. We have:
Milan (as previously discussed in mis-pronunciations above) – birthplace of Thomas Edison
Parma - birthplace of John D. Rockefeller
and
Ravenna - actually named for the city of Ravenna, Italy – and actually pronounced correctly!
Then, because we are insecure in our identity as a state, there are the famous names we stole from other states and cities in the U.S.
Delaware - birthplace of Rutherford B. Hayes
Wyoming - home of nothing and birthplace of nobody
Baltimore - birthplace of one-hit wonder Bob Lind.
Bellevue - home of Henry Morrison Flagler who was John D. Rockefeller’s partner in Standard Oil
Lexington - where you can find Mid-Ohio Raceway - white trash heaven! Which is why I love it!
Lodi – home of the Outlet Stores!
Urbana which is the burial place of the Indian fighter Simon Kenton
Stow - no, there is no skiing there. It is flat as my kindergarten girlfriend. And she was 19.
Grand Rapids - home of the Applebutter Fest. Man you ain’t lived ’til you’ve seen that!
and
Wooster – where they made Rubbermaid until 2003!
Can’t leave out Spain! There are:
and of course…
Toledo – home to Cpl Klinger!
Delusions of Grandeur continue with these rip-offs from other international locales:
Geneva-on-the-Lake (yes that is the official name of the town).
Holland – Hometown of Joe the Plumber…
we have a Toronto and an Ontario – nowhere near each other
and
Delhi Township - home of the annual The Delhi Skirt Game – a Chicago-style softball game where the players consist of men dressed up like women. Don’t ask.
It seems Ohio also had a lot of groves at one time (now its all cornfields):
Cherry Grove – known for its cherry trees – imagine that
Sugar Grove - home to my favorite sporting clays range - Hidden Haven
Pleasant Grove - exactly in the middle of Nowwhere(TM)
Grove City – where you can go to Beulah Park – Ohio’s original thoroughbred race track
and finally,
We have towns named after indian tribes…
and
And we have towns named after indian words that nobody can pronounce anyway, like
Cuyahoga – same name as the famous burning river
Indian Hill heh – I just threw that one in to see if you were still awake
Pymatuning - OK this is really a state park, but I think the name is funny. Go ahead, say it out loud…See?
and
We have place that sound like they would be really fun to visit, like
and
Knockemstiff (honest!)
Maybe there’s a reason those are all now ghost towns…
Then we have some creatively named and/or otherwise remarkable towns…
There’s Oak Harbor which isn’t a harbor town, but a riverfront town.
There’s Shaker Heights which was settled by – you guessed it – Shakers. But since they didn’t believe in screwing each other they died off and it is now mostly populated by bankers and lawyers.
Steubenville (known everywhere else in Ohio as Stupidville). Their claim to fame is Dean Martin, but I think they should take more credit for Traci Lords
Hicksville self explanatory
Twinsburg named after the Jones triplets – which hosts the annual, national Twins Days Festival, in which hundreds of sets of twins descend on Ohio and freak everyone out…
Buckeye Lake which has no buckeye trees and isn’t really a lake. It’s more of a mudhole. Average depth is like 7 feet.
Reminderville in case you forgot
Reynoldsburg known as “The Birthplace of the Tomato” and the Tomato Festival is held there every September. Every year there is a Tomato Festival Queen!
Upper Arlington my hometown for 30-some years, although nobody in all that time has been able to tell me why there is an Upper Arlington, when there is no Lower Arlington. Pretentiousness says I.
Plain City is everything that the name implies, trust me.
and
Westerville - which is a town located NORTH and EAST of downtown Columbus. Go figure.
So there you go. Plenty to do and see in Uh-Ha-Yuh. If I didn’t insult your hometown, leave me a comment and I’ll be sure to add it to the list or find something to make fun of…
