Archive for December, 2008

Things To Do In 2009

December 31, 2008

Since I know you are all anxious to visit the great state of Ohio in the coming new year, I thought I would give you a virtual tour of the many towns and cities that the Buckeye State has to offer.

First up, my personal favorites – the Ohio towns named after other famous cities – but which Ohioans are incapable of pronouncing correctly.  I give you:

Lima (pronounced like the bean)

Versailles (pronounced Verr-Sails)

Medina (rhymes with Vagina)

Cairo (pronounced like the syrup – Kay-Roh)

Milan (pronounced Mye-lin)

Gallipolis (oh geesh – pronounced “Gallop-police” – I shit you not!)

Rio Grande (Home of Bob Evans – pronounced Rye-Oh Grand)

and

Lancaster (pronounced Lang-Caster)

 

Next, our salute to the founding fathers and famous presidents.  You can visit

Washington Courthouse

Monroe

Masonhome to Kings Island amusement park

Hamiltonmy favorite piece of trivia about Hamilton? – During World War II, the entire city was declared off-limits to military personnel because of its numerous gambling and prostitution establishments.  Heh.

Jefferson

Jackson Township

Lincoln Heights

Garfield Heights where John Hinckley, Jr. tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981

and

Madison

 

Then there is our tribute to the Mediterranean past and present:

Delphos - birthplace of Zane Grey

Minerva

Athens (known for Ohio University and its kick-ass Halloween parties)

Macedonia (which narrowly lost out to Scranton, PA as the background for the NBC hit show “The Office”)

Batavia

Troy

and

Malta

 

How about Ohio towns named after other famous people?  There’s:

Cincinnati (named after Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus)

Columbus (named, of course, for Christopher)

Solon made famous by Drew Carey

South Euclid (although North Euclid is in California – go figure)

and last, but not least –

Clyde

 

Ohioans seem to have a real affinity for the UK.  We have towns named

Trenton according to Wikipedia: Trenton has many gossipers who like to talk and lie to everyone. If you like this or just living in a small, 3 square mile town, and living around the above described people, TRENTON, OHIO 45067 is the place for YOU. Heh.

Amherst

Avon

Dublin - which actually has a decent St. Paddy’s day festival

Newark

East Liverpool

Sherwood

Oxfordhome of the real Miami University

Kent – home to Kent State  – made infamous by Jim Rhodes and CSNY

Manchester

Lancaster – birthplace of William Tecumseh Sherman (Take THAT Atlanta!)

Doverbirthplace of “Bloody Bill” Quantrill - man we have some badasses, huh?

Portsmouth - birthplace of Roy Rogers

London

and

Lyndhurst - which, according to Wikipedia, has no famous residents

 

Then there are the towns that have aspirations of being presidential residences:

Mount Vernon

Montpelier  - they are a member of the Northwest Ohio Athletic League. Wow.

and

Whitehouse

 

We also have our share of “New” towns…

New Albany - home of Les Wexner, billionaire owner of The Limited Brands

New Lebanon

New Bremen home to the Bicycle Museum of America

New London

New Carlisle where on June 10, 1933, the infamous John Dillinger committed his first bank robbery

and

New Concord birthplace of fellow Devil Dog and former astronaut John Glenn

 

Here in Ohio, it seems we also tip our hat to the Middle East with towns like

Cairo – mentioned above in mis-pronounced nation-states

East Palestine - formerly called Mechanicsburg, until another Ohio megalopolis wanted that name, so they flipped a coin and lost.  True story.

Lebanon - home of The Golden Lamb, Ohio’s oldest inn – established in 1803 – visited by 12 presidents!!!

West Alexandria

and, of course, what Middle Eastern tribute would be complete without a…

Mecca

 

We like Italy too.  We have:

Genoa

Mantua

Milan (as previously discussed in mis-pronunciations above) – birthplace of Thomas Edison

Parma - birthplace of John D. Rockefeller

and

Ravenna - actually named for the city of Ravenna, Italy – and actually pronounced correctly!

 

Then, because we are insecure in our identity as a state, there are the famous names we stole from other states and cities in the U.S.

Delaware - birthplace of Rutherford B. Hayes

Wyoming - home of nothing and birthplace of nobody

Oregon

Baltimore - birthplace of one-hit wonder Bob Lind.

Boston Heights

Brooklyn Heights

Salem

Bellevue - home of Henry Morrison Flagler who was John D. Rockefeller’s partner in Standard Oil

Lexington - where you can find Mid-Ohio Raceway - white trash heaven!  Which is why I love it!

Springfield

Lodihome of the Outlet Stores!

Bethesda

Glendale

Urbana which is the burial place of the Indian fighter Simon Kenton

Burlington

Stow - no, there is no skiing there.  It is flat as my kindergarten girlfriend.  And she was 19.

Grand Rapids - home of the Applebutter Fest.  Man you ain’t lived ’til you’ve seen that!

Wilmington

Fairfax

and

Wooster – where they made Rubbermaid until 2003!

 

Can’t leave out Spain!  There are:

Madeira

Cadiz

and of course…

Toledo – home to Cpl Klinger!

 

 

Delusions of Grandeur continue with these rip-offs from other international locales:

Geneva-on-the-Lake (yes that is the official name of the town).

Berlin Heights

Germantown

Holland – Hometown of Joe the Plumber

we have a Toronto and an Ontario – nowhere near each other

New Paris

Poland

Calcutta

Sidney

and

Delhi Township - home of the annual The Delhi Skirt Game – a Chicago-style softball game where the players consist of men dressed up like women.  Don’t ask.

 

It seems Ohio also had a lot of groves at one time (now its all cornfields):

Cherry Grove – known for its cherry trees – imagine that

Sugar Grove - home to my favorite sporting clays range - Hidden Haven

Pleasant Grove - exactly in the middle of Nowwhere(TM)

Coal Grove

Grove City – where you can go to Beulah Park – Ohio’s original thoroughbred race track

and finally,

Groveport

 

We have towns named after indian tribes…

Huron

Ottawa

Shawnee

Wyandot

Delaware

and

Miamisburg

 

And we have towns named after indian words that nobody can pronounce anyway, like

Piqua

Wapakoneta

Chillicothe 

Cuyahoga – same name as the famous burning river

Pataskala

Wauseon

Senecaville

Indian Hill heh – I just threw that one in to see if you were still awake

Pymatuning - OK this is really a state park, but I think the name is funny.  Go ahead, say it out loud…See?

Olentangy

Scioto

Tuscarawas

and

Maumee

 

We have place that sound like they would be really fun to visit, like

Utopia

Climax

Moonville

Blueball

Wonderland

and

Knockemstiff (honest!)

Maybe there’s a reason those are all now ghost towns…

 

Then we have some creatively named and/or otherwise remarkable towns…

There’s Oak Harbor which isn’t a harbor town, but a riverfront town.

There’s Shaker Heights which was settled by – you guessed it – Shakers.  But since they didn’t believe in screwing each other they died off and it is now mostly populated by bankers and lawyers.

Steubenville (known everywhere else in Ohio as Stupidville).  Their claim to fame is Dean Martin, but I think they should take more credit for Traci Lords 

Hicksville self explanatory

Twinsburg named after the Jones triplets – which hosts the annual, national Twins Days Festival, in which hundreds of sets of twins descend on Ohio and freak everyone out…

Buckeye Lake which has no buckeye trees and isn’t really a lake.  It’s more of a mudhole. Average depth is like 7 feet.

Reminderville in case you forgot

Reynoldsburg known as “The Birthplace of the Tomato” and the Tomato Festival is held there every September. Every year there is a Tomato Festival Queen!

Upper Arlington my hometown for 30-some years, although nobody in all that time has been able to tell me why there is an Upper Arlington, when there is no Lower Arlington.  Pretentiousness says I.

Plain City is everything that the name implies, trust me.

and

Westerville - which is a town located NORTH and EAST of downtown Columbus.  Go figure.

So there you go.  Plenty to do and see in Uh-Ha-Yuh.  If I didn’t insult your hometown, leave me a comment and I’ll be sure to add it to the list or find something to make fun of…

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Rhyme Time

December 30, 2008

There once was a woman named Monica.
Bill met her the first day of Hannukah.
She wore a beret,
And didn’t have much to say.
But man, could she play the harmonica!

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Today In History

December 30, 2008

From Tom McMahon:

Postagestamp

More TSA Security Theater

December 30, 2008

Hat tip to Sebastian.

That flute can be used as a club(!!!), but we’re not worried about that explosive substance over there…

Carrying Gunpowder through Airport Security

by Rhona Mahony. Last Thursday, December 5, I brought five ounces (140 grams) of old-fashioned black gunpowder to San Francisco airport. I also brought along a boarding pass for United flight 720 to Denver that I had created at home, in an computer art program. TSA agents accepted the boarding pass. They also took no notice at all of the gunpowder.

 

This is why I take off my shoes and don’t carry shaving cream every time I fly?  Gee, I feel safer now.

Princess Bride Lightsaber Battle

December 30, 2008

Because it is one of my favorite movies and this is one of the best scenes.  Also, some people have too much time on their hands.

 

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Don’t Bring a Ham To a Pipe Fight

December 29, 2008

Or something…

Reminds me of something my Marine Corps buddies would do…

Eye-Roh-Nee, Part 2,589

December 29, 2008

Heh.  This is beautiful.  Posted by Uncle Jimbo at Blackfive (and if you are not reading Blackfive, you should be)…

“I was trolling around on the dark side of the internet today to see how the hippies were responding to Gaza. I decided to see how the nitwits in pink were reacting and typed what I thought was their web page address into the address bar.

WARNING:  Clicking the link below while consuming a beverage may be bad for the health of your monitor and/or keyboard!

Now trust me on this one and click here:

http://www.codepinkforpeace.com

Oh the irony…

-Code Monkey

Originally from Chuck Z and Code Monkey here.

The Successful Brady Act…

December 29, 2008

You remember… the act that requires gun dealers run instant-background checks via NICS (National Instant Check System) to prevent criminals from acquiring guns and, of course, to enable prosecution of said criminals who attempt to acquire guns?  Only…not so much.

From David Hardy regarding a recent DoJ report:

“…during 2006 there were

8,000,000 plus checks
117,000 denials (125,000 denials, offset by 8,000 reversals on appeal)
77,000 of these were referred to Field Offices for investigation (80% not involving felony records)
273 persons charged, and a whopping
73 convictions.”
  Emphasis mine.

The original report from the U.S. Department of Justice is here.

For the hundred-millionth time – criminals do not subject themselves to background checks and pay retail prices for guns.  At least not in statistically significant numbers.

And even if they did, you Yahoos don’t prosecute them, so where exactly is the deterrent?  Oh, I forgot…it’s not about deterrence, it’s about control and looking like you are doing something, anything, about crime.

Dumbasses.

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From The In-Box

December 29, 2008

As with all posts “From The In-Box,” I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity (I read a book, so sue me) of the following e-mail…

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, ‘THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,’ WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LADDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK ‘GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.’

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE ‘GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY… STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995 , IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR’S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.  AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

‘SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!’

Happy Holidays!

December 24, 2008

Hope all is good with you and yours…Talk to you after Christmas.


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