Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

American Presidents in Uniform

September 14, 2012

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Hey Barry

August 18, 2012

“Forward” is a direction, not a strategy…Dumbass.

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Real stripes…

August 17, 2012

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Poker Player

August 15, 2012

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500.- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’ With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked, ‘And did he give you $500?’ Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.’

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

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Is anyone really this stupid?

August 14, 2012

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I have this recurring dream

August 8, 2012

I am gazing at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotole and Plato gazed.

Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

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Curiosity has landed on mars

August 6, 2012

And we now have the first image sent back to earth…

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Curtis Helps Out

August 5, 2012

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So this family was outside the church this morning with a cardboard sign saying they had lost their jobs, had two kids, no food, etc.

So I called the police in to help them out…last I saw, they were getting into the cruiser…I’m guessing the cops were taking them to a restaurant or the unemployment office or something…

Sure glad I could help out…

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A Cowboy Tombstone

July 20, 2012

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Here is the headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah… I wonder if he died knowing that he had won the ‘Coolest Headstone’ contest?
… Here are his five rules for a happy life as he indicated on his headstone:

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with
you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Stolen from USMC buddy Jay…

38…39…whatever it takes…

July 12, 2012

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