Where I embarrass my wife…

I don’t usually do the fast-food thing, but yesterday we were out running around and my wife asked me to pull through a drive-through so she could try one of their new burgers.

Now, she knows that I hate talking to someone through one of those order-taking speakers where they sound like they are at the bottom of a well with a mouthful of marbles.  I always yank them around – and my wife gets embarrassed as hell.  Here’s how it went yesterday as we were pulling up:

Me (to my wife): “Let’s seeeeee, who should I be todayyyyyy?”

My Wife: “No!  Don’t do that!  You just be you!”

Me: How abooooooout…Foghorn Leghorn?”

My Wife: “No! No Foghorn Leghorn!!!  You did that last time! No!”

Me: “OK, then – you called it – Yosemite Sam it is…”

I pull up to the menu screen…

Order Taker: “Welcome to XXX Would you like to try our new Bacon BBQ Ciabatta Cheeseburger?”

Me (in my best LOUD Yosemite Sam Voice): “Chewbaca?!?! I say – Chewbaca?!?! What in Sam Hill is a Chewbaca burger?!?!  Some kinda rackin’ frackin’ Star Wars burger?!?!?!  Why in Tarnation would I want a dadburn Star Wars burger?!?!  Don’t try to hornswoggle me with all that high-falutin’ claptrap!!! I’m a-tryin’ ta order that new-fangled sammich y’all are peddlin’ with the bacon an’ BBQ sauce an’ cheese an’ all that.”

Order Taker: “Yes sir, that would be our new Bacon BBQ Ciabatta Cheeseburger

Me (Still LOUD as Yosemite Sam): “Well…Aaaaalrighty then…why didn’t ya just say so ya durn galoot?!?! Sure! Sure! Gimmee one a them!”

My wife rolls her eyes…

Order Taker: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”

Me/Sam: “Nooooo, I don’t believe I wants no comboooo.  I want the Star Wars burger, fragnabbit!”

Order Taker: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half pound for that?”

Me/Sam:Great Horny Toads!!!!! For what!?”

My wife hits me on the arm…

Order Taker: “The size of the meat patty – you can get either the quarter, third, or half pound.”

Me/Sam: “Oooooh – I hates math!!! What’s the biggest burger ya got?!?!?”

Order Taker: “That would be the Half-Pounder.”

Me/Sam: “So, the quarter-third is smaller’n that one?”

Order Taker: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes, the quarter and third. The quarter is smallest, the next biggest is the third, then the half.  Which one would you like?”

Me/Sam: “All right! All right! Don’t rush me ya flea-bitten varmint. I’m a-thinking…and my head hurts….I’ll take that there quarter-third.”


Order Taker: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”

Me/Sam: “How about some a them frenchy-french fried taters and a sodee-pop?”

Order Taker: “So you do want the combo then?”

Me/Sam: “What, is ya deef?  I done told ya no combo!!!…Just them taters and a sodee-pop, dagnabbit!!!”

Order Taker: “Five Ninety Eight, first window please”

Me/Sam (as I pull around): “Dadburn, rootin’ tootin’ ricka racka fricka fracka…”

And they wouldn’t even let me pay with Chuck-E-Cheese tokens, buncha no-account long-eared varmints.


One Response to “Where I embarrass my wife…”

  1. Tim Says:

    Some people just don’t have a sense of humor! My kids hate it when I do that and the person on the receiving end just stands there with their mouth hanging open.

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