Home Security…

We have an 8 foot fence around the backyard…mostly to keep the 100 pound Weimaraner in.  A 6 foot fence would be no problem for him to jump.  A few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing in the city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence kit and ran the single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for up to 6 miles of fence. Then I used an 8 foot long grounding rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The grounding rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

Two weeks ago, I was out mowing the back yard with my Briggs & Stratton 6 hp mower. The hot wire was disconnected from a couple of the clips along the top of the fence and was laying on the ground for about an 8 foot stretch. I knew for a fact that I had unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

I guess I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 2.9 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

I think the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot shit, piss, and puke at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.  We used to pee on it to see what it felt like…

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the wire. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.  Shit, I handled 3 months of Marine Corps Boot Camp, how long could this last?

‘Damn!,’ I thought, I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, and with my own puke on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of the yard, 95 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground a couple hours later. The lawnmower was next to me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.  Mrs. Lowe was drinking wine and laughing at me…

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of the fillings in my teeth had melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Shit, piss and puke, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I send the kids out to mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.  The Weimaraner is a bonus.

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8 Responses to “Home Security…”

  1. topofthechain Says:

    Dude,

    I have no idea how true that is, but that is some funny shit!

  2. Gun Blog Black List Says:

    Do it again for YouTube.

  3. Joe Says:

    Love it. My uncle had a powerful fence like that for his livestock many years ago. I made the mistake of grabbing it. I was 9. I pissed myself for what seemed like an hour. My brother just stood there laughing until my Uncle heard the commotion and knocked me clear.

  4. stevec Says:

    On the bright side, you can probably watch all of your favorite TV shows…without a TV.

    On the down side is this: “8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).”

    Whatever you do, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT think of the number 69.

  5. T.S. Nunya Says:

    Hilarious.

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